Let me share you my wake up call last Friday, it was indeed a real one. I have endured a lot of painful experiences growing up, from them I learned that there were no permanent in life, no guarantees, no security, but I know that there will always be pain. I guess I got used to it, not in the way that I don’t feel it anymore but the way that I just have to know to move on every time. Whatever my surviving instincts tell me to do in order to survive one over the last, I do it.
To family and friends who saw me growing up, I was strong and brave, I was the tough girl. Battling from illnesses that kept me in the hospital for years I thought it was normal as a kid, when we lost dad and forced to mature for my siblings, for our life to continue, to leave home and help the family, to forget myself, and to risk my life many times to fight not just for me to live but as well as my family.
Once I thought I was lucky getting away with it but then it seems like I’m a cat with 9 lives, I stopped fearing it anymore when life threatening moment kept coming, I just know I’d survive. In my head, even at times I wanted to die, I didn’t and if I’d die, I die… we will all die anyway.
All the pain I’ve been through have made me who I was, and more of it made me who I am and who knows who will I become if not me… It made me afraid, weak, strong, brave, angry, sad, and now I’m not really sure what to feel. I stopped trying to figure out things because you’ll know t the right time anyway, you’d find out sooner or later. When the time is right.
Looking back, I think I have more than 9 lives… I learned not to bother, but yesterday was something. It scared me to death. Yes, like it scared me knowing I could have died there if it happened like the last time where no one was there. I thought to myself, that scared the shit out of me!
I used to pray back in Milan that I die anytime soon there, to end whatever torturing feeling that physically, mentally, and emotionally making me suffer. Then there were more years after that. I should be invincible now, yes? But I’m not. It all runs out in time… the hope, the dream, the spirit, and even the faith. Everything that sparks when we were kids to motivate us to do something worns out if not fueled at the right time. In my case, I have a lot but I have to put it all aside for something I thought were more important, until the spark was gone.
I reflected why all of a sudden it scared me to die, when once I begged for it? I realized I found my reason to live again and that I haven’t have it for a long time to just simply give up on it. For some reason, I’m seeing my life ahead… I’m treated good, I finally felt how to be loved and cared for and it scares me not to get there, to the future full of it. That moment restored my faith, my hopes, and my dreams… and I’m reminded that HE is there and never really left that I hope He’d let me enjoy the love I found.